Many years ago I learned I had been promoted into a leadership role. This was pre-WFH and, because I could, I walked across the building to share the [what I thought was exciting] news with the person I would now be working closely with, my new partner. She was standing just outside of her office, and when I told her I got the job, she turned, stepped over the threshold and slammed the door in my face.
She reacted.
Are you a leader [partner, parent, friend] that tends to react rather than respond? The two words seem to be interchangeable, and yet the outcome can vary greatly if you choose one over the other. Here is a breakdown of what each looks like in action:
React
Immediate and Unconsidered: Reactions are often quick and driven by emotions, which can lead to impulsive actions or statements.
Emotionally Driven: Reactions are typically fueled by immediate emotions, such as anger or fear, without much thought about the long-term consequences.
Potential for Conflict: Because reactions are not thought out, they can sometimes escalate conflicts or misunderstandings.
Respond
Thoughtful and Deliberate: Responding involves taking a moment to consider the situation, the emotions involved, and the potential outcomes before taking action.
Emotionally Intelligent: Responding takes into account both your emotions and the emotions of others, leading to more empathetic and effective communication.
Constructive Outcomes: Because responses are more considered, they are more likely to lead to positive interactions and resolutions, reducing the likelihood of conflict.
"Tell Me More" in Encouraging Responding vs. Reacting
Most of us would like to have the Emotional Intelligence [EQ] to respond rather than react in nearly all situations. The statement "Tell Me More" plays a crucial role in building up that EQ muscle and fostering a response-oriented approach by:
Promoting Active Listening: By asking someone to elaborate, you show that you are actively listening and interested in understanding their perspective fully. This sets a foundation for thoughtful dialogue.
Creating Space for Thought: Asking for more information gives both parties time to think and process the situation, leading to more measured and considerate responses. It also helps both parties get clarity on what they actually think, and why.
Building Empathy: Encouraging someone to share more about their thoughts and feelings helps you understand their emotions and motivations better, which can inform a more compassionate and appropriate response.
Reducing Immediate Judgments: By seeking more information, you avoid jumping to conclusions or making hasty judgments, which are common pitfalls of reacting.
Encouraging Open Communication: It fosters a culture of openness and trust, where people feel heard and valued, which can lead to more honest and productive conversations.
"Tell Me More" is a powerful tool for transforming impulsive reactions into thoughtful responses, leading to better communication and more positive interactions. When we start with genuine curiosity and invite someone to share what they believe and why they believe it, not as a way to persuade them to our worldview, but as a sincere way to learn about theirs, its a game-changing conversation kickstarter. Bonus: if you are by nature more of a reactor, [I’m talking to you, Peter Waxler] ’Tell Me More’ buys you time to calm down.
Responding with ‘Tell Me More’ also requires the other person to actually think about what they're saying they feel and think. Oftentimes people will adopt an opinion because that’s what their parents believed, or they read it on social media, or because that's what their political party says they’re supposed to think or say. Asking them to “Tell Me more” means they have to think about why they believe what they believe and get to the core of that belief. It forces critical thinking’s hand, and just as important, it usually leads to common ground.
Getting down to the core of why we believe something can lead to common ground by fostering understanding, empathy, and communication. Here's how this process can help:
Understanding Motivations: By exploring the fundamental reasons behind beliefs, we can see the motivations and values that drive others. This understanding helps to see people not just as holders of opposing views, but as individuals with their own logical reasons and emotional experiences.
Finding Shared Values: Many beliefs are rooted in common values, such as a desire for safety, happiness, or fairness. Identifying these shared values can create a foundation for agreement, even if the specific beliefs or methods to achieve those values differ.
Reducing Misunderstandings: Misconceptions and stereotypes often arise from a lack of understanding. By discussing the core reasons behind beliefs, we can clear up misunderstandings and reduce the tendency to view opposing views as irrational or malicious.
Building Empathy: Delving into the reasons behind beliefs helps build empathy. Recognizing the emotional and psychological factors that influence beliefs makes it easier to relate to others, fostering a more compassionate and cooperative dialogue.
Encouraging Open Communication: Understanding the core of beliefs encourages open and honest communication. When people feel heard and understood, they are more likely to reciprocate and engage in productive discussions, rather than defensive arguments.
Identifying Common Goals: Often, different beliefs stem from different approaches to achieving similar goals. By understanding these goals, we can work together to find mutually acceptable solutions, focusing on what we want to achieve rather than how we differ in our approach.
By focusing on these aspects, we can create an environment where differences are acknowledged and respected, and where common ground can be built through mutual understanding and cooperation.
Both at work AND in our personal life, ‘Tell Me More’ is an effective method to go deeper, and can prove beneficial for the person asking the question and even more so for the person being asked. Not settling for the first response encourages elaboration and detail. The one-two punch of "Tell Me More" followed by a “What Else?” prompts the speaker to provide additional information and context, which can reveal deeper insights and nuances that might not have been initially shared. We often will offer a superficial response to get ourselves off the hook so we can move on to the next thing, but encouraging someone to stick around for a few more moments of thoughtful conversation by “telling you more” offers the chance for real thoughts, real values to bubble up to the top.
In this current election cycle, this feels more important than ever.
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